Where’s My Car?

My time.

My money.

My confidence.

My dignity.

That said, I am pleased to report that I have never had anyone steal my car.

(I don’t actually own a car, to be fair. But I think this dude has also stolen wallets and jewelry and such. I have walked away from many an online date minus my unflagging optimism, but at least my damn wallet has remained intact.)

Thomas James Newman: shame on you for using your preternaturally square jawline to lure unsuspecting women into your web of treachery! You will never be anyone’s boyfriend. And I bet you’ve made your mom very, very sad.

(Thanks to Sarah for the news tip!)